Anhedonia
by ukiyomble
Summary: Shinya's memories always haunted him, but no one ever seemed to look past his smiling mask. It took a vast amount of damage before it shattered and Guren witnesses the troubled soul hidden behind it. Can the lieutenant fight off his own demons inside while saving Shinya from his past, or will the pieces disappear without a trace? ( potential gureshin/ Guren x Shinya ).
1. Prologue

It had been years since any color filled those icy eyes that were trained on him. He knew it to be true. They hadn't been in any spectrum, even when they had first met. Shinya had become a vessel of false emotions with walls built higher than the Great Wall of China. Guren had to watch from the outside of the wooden door as his screams echoed into his brain like a wine stain on a white shirt. "If you were so willing to slaughter them without regret, then why can't you do the same me?" He shouted as another doctor rushed in to restrain him.

* * *

 _Why can't he see that I never wanted this, that I never wanted her?_

Red haunted both male's dreams that night. Images of heartless manslaughter were implanted into Shinya's brain, infecting it like a virus. Limbs swung in protest and with loud cries he turned in his sleep. On the other side of the wall, Guren was in the chair, watching a pair of searing red eyes. "Oh Guren, look what has become of our dear Shinya... He's losing his sanity," she chided with a rather loud click of her tongue against her pearly fangs.

She attempted to manipulate her expressions to look more like her white-haired sibling's to further anger her host body. "You are the one who did this," he states simply, not letting his anger seep out from his lungs.

The specter danced over to his side, childlike with supposed innocence. "Whatever shall we do? We can't let my poor brother die in there, now can we?" Guren stared at her momentarily, waiting for her to continue with her speech. "How about we give him what he's asking for, hm?"

Mahiru's voice was sickeningly sweet as she brought up murdering Shinya in cold blood once more. "Absolutely not," the lieutenant replied now sounding more defensive. "You know I will never let that happen, even if I have to tear you out of my body with my own two hands."

Her bottom lip was drawn out from the upper piece. She knew that Guren would never intentionally harm Shinya. That was why her hold on his body had dissipated into thin air. Her bloodlust vanished when the end of the demon sniper rifle. Byakkomaru growled intent on protecting its wielder. The clouded remains of Guren's subconscious began to flicker as more memories roused him into reality. "Do you really have to go back? Why can't you stay here with your girlfriend like a good boy?" she questioned, wrapping her scythes around his shoulder blades. The raven-haired male was numb to her touch. He supposed this was how Shinya felt all the time. Something began to settle in the middle of his ribcage, making it feel heavy. How had the person he believed to be his closet friend in the world live like this for so long?

* * *

 ** _This life was never one I asked for._**

The thumping sounds never stopped as electronic beeping offset the beats. Everything was so loud, making it impossible for his eyes to close. The small of his back didn't touch the crisp white paper beneath him. His body thrashed wildly as his lungs forced outcries of desperation. He wanted this all to stop. Even his demon was trying to fight off the infection in his head. A burning fire was lit in his throat and in his chest. All his life had been a fight for survival. From his first steps to his current second chance at life he had to fight. Eyes were pried open as another loud sound ripped out of him. "Slaughter me Guren! Save me from this never ending pain..."

* * *

Prologue End.

Author's notes:

 _Guren's thoughts/switch to P.O.V._

 _ **Shinya's thoughts/switch to P.O.V.**_


	2. Repercussions From the Past

_**It never was easy, and it never will be.**_

Shinya laid dormant for days after being on several sedatives every few hours. The medical staff that the Hiiragi family had acquired were not gentle with the adoptive son. It got to the point where one of the younger members of Shinoa's squad, Yoichi Saotome, intervened. He was supposed to be Shinya's apprentice once he was more mentally prepared, but with the mutiny that rose up against Kureto Hiiragi such event never happened. The man in the bed had water cascading down his cheeks and all over his body. The stench of sweat lingered in the atmosphere, causing a haze to form. The younger boy took another towel to wipe him down. That was the third one within the hour to be soiled. Shinya vaguely felt the touch of small, white, fibrous tongues attempting to purify his skin. He called out in a thick voice, "Please… Stop."

The sensation was making goosebumps appear along porcelain skin. "Oh, you're awake! Should I go get a nurse or the Colonial?" The brunette questioned placing the white item in a laundry basket. A ghostly finger rose up from his side, aimed in the direction of a pitcher of water. Yoichi seemed to get the idea, pouring him a glass before placing it to his lips. Shinya devoured the liquid as if it was ambrosia, a gift from the gods. "Hang on, slow down a bit!" He tips the glass down a bit, giving him a chance to swallow what was in his mouth. After the glass was deprived of it's contents three times, Yoichi rose from his chair to find Guren.

 _So many things could have changed if I just protected him._

Shinoa was resting up against a wall near the end of the visitor's center. She studied the male sitting next to her with a frown. The normally stone faced Guren was now hunched over in, head in his hands. Dark purple and black encased his under eyes, yawns forcing themselves out as he continued to wait. He was falling asleep until he asked, "Do you… know what happen to Shinya in the past, Shinoa?"

Brown eyes expanded as the question caught her off guard. "You want to know about his childhood?" A moment of silence was exchanged between the two before he lifted his chin to show he was listening. "Well, I don't know the entire story myself… but I did see what happened when you two were colleagues in school."

"We were in the same squad." He corrected shifting his position.

"Same thing!" She shot him a glare before continuing on. "My sister was in love with you. You knew that. She was never really cared for me or Shinya, so he basically raised me. Our family is not a merciful one. You fight to survive on behalf of self preservation. There's no reward for gallantry, especially for him. Shinya was always looked down upon by all the members of the family. The only way for him to keep the title "Hiiragi" was to fight and prove that he belonged. Mahiru was his ticket into the bloodline. He didn't have to keep going to the arenas to fight off others, mercilessly slaughtering them."

His head shook in disbelief. "No… He isn't a killer. Shinya couldn't have been."

The Hiiragi girl scoffed, crossing her arms. "Of course you'd think that. He had the entire world believing he was the most incompetent warrior in the family. He knew he wouldn't survive on sheer force like Kureto, so he used craft instead."

"Colonial Lieutenant Guren,Shinya wishes to see you," Yoichi calls from the doorway only a few feet away.

Today, Shinya wasn't talkative. He watched Guren walk through the door. The violet eyed strode over to the side of the bed, taking a seat where Yoichi had been not twenty minutes ago. A wheeze of air escaped out of the cushion before he grabbed Shinya's hand. There was no dialogue, just two presences finding comfort in each other. Maybe it was all the drugs Shinya had ingested in the past few days, or the fact that Guren hadn't slept for the same period of time as well. Blue eyes closed first, drifting off into an unnatural slumber. His medicine kept him in a fluctuating state of consciousness. Guren smirked a bit when he heard a little snore escape him. Sure, he smelled like death, his hair was all gross from sweating so much, and even his snores sounded hoarse but Guren couldn't help himself from smiling when his eyes landing upon him. This man was his best friend, that was for sure. Soon, he too collapsed face first into the bed, sleeping in the chair, no longer able to keep his eyes open.

* * *

chapter end


	3. Mortality’s Cursed Gift

_Memories are like scars, they take time to fade._

Shinya awoke screaming yet again. He flailed, trying to get away from Guren. He looked as if he was a dying animal, clinging onto its last threads of life. The other male was shaken out of his slumber with a start. Getting punched in the face wasn't exactly ideal at three o'clock in the morning. Despite how weak the silver haired was at the moment, his fist still nearly cracked Guren's jaw. "Hey! Dumbass, calm down!" He shouted as loud panicked sirens flashed in his brain. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't just let Shinya get injected with more drugs to calm him down… Guren places his hand on both sides of the other male's now bony cheeks. "Sh… it's okay. I promise I won't hurt you. It's just me, not Mihiru, just me."

Chiding wasn't exactly Guren's strong suit though. The words came out in a rather harsh manner, causing a rather quick swipe to his left eye. Shinya's nails were rather sharp due to lack of care. He pulled away beginning to break down into hysterics. A nurse happened to walk by at the wrong time, seeing them in turmoil. She called for help and soon Shinya was sedated again. "Mister Ichinose, I advise you to stay out of this room until Shinya is back on his medication. We will send for you when he is stable," she stated with a dull look in her eyes.

Her hand rested on her hip as she balanced a bag of various pills. "Miss, I cannot stay away from him. He needs someone there to ground him in reality and wake him up from his hallucinations."

She let out a rather loud sigh. "Mister, Shinya isn't hallucinating. He's having flashbacks. They are intense, but that's just because he had to witness you kill all of your comrades… I should know. The autopsies were horrific. I know you were under the influence of a demon but I believe you should be imprisoned alongside Yuichiro Hyakuya." Her expression contorted with disgust as she spat out the toxic words. Before Guren could answer, she was called off to another room.

The sun beat down on the earth as he departed from the infirmary. A male stood in the shade of a nearby tree, observing, and beckoning him over. "You're no longer under the demon's control, I presume." He stated, keeping his voice low.

There it was again, the color red in the blonde's eyes. "Vampire… what do you want?Make this fast. I don't have time for this today."

Mikaela pursed his lips together in annoyance. "We will never be on good terms because of what you did to Yuu, but he needs your help. He's imprisoned for treason and they'll use him for experiments if I don't break him out soon."

The news came as a surprise to him, especially since Shinoa hadn't mentioned it. Perhaps her squad had been gathering intel before devising up a plan. "I need time to learn about his case before I do anything. I'll inform Shinoa of my findings, if there is anything."

With that, he left Mika without another word. The teen wanted to yell at the figure Yuu had looked up to with such favor. Guren was no hero. He had no idea why Yuu adored him. He didn't care enough to pursue the information.

The walk home felt like a thousand years. Every step felt harder to make it through than the last. Guren found it exhausting to even lift his legs. He trudged into his abode, world spinning as his head pounded. Visions of his belongings smudged together in a random array before it all fell into nothingness.

 _ **Sometimes your pain is the only thing that's anchoring reality.**_

Shinya's mind felt like a swamp, muggy and humid. His memories of the past few hours were foggy. He vaguely remembered seeing Guren, but that was it. Yoichi appeared in his field of vision as he cocked his head to the right. "Good afternoon Mister Shinya, how are you feeling?" He asked in a soft voice.

He was courteous for someone his age, submissive toward everyone. "I'm feeling much better, just a bit out of it," he replied after clearing his throat. He observed people's mannerisms around him. He assumed the brunette next to him was the same way. That was why they made such skilled snipers. They were not as strong as the rest of their teammates, so they resorted to observation. It was only in their nature. "Have you slept recently?"

The boy's jade green eyes turned to the floor. "Kimizuki will come to pick me up soon. Shinoa offered to be outside if you need her, but she told me you'd be fine."

Shinya nodded after a caesura passed. He wondered were Guren was, wanting to speak to him. Something formed in the pit of his stomach as the thought came into his mind. All those years with that stupid crush on his future "fiancée" boyfriend, and here he was with those same feelings. Even now, after seeing how cruel he could become, and seeing him betray their comrades those feelings still remained encrusted in his heart, his mind. It told him that these qualities made him human, a sinner, just like him. He began to cry for no apparent reason just as Yoichi departed for the evening.


	4. Strangers From the Past

_**If he's gone, I'd never recover.**_

A gust carried the stench of iron and decaying flesh. Everything around Guren was dim, unfocused. It was like looking at something underwater. The ground he was place upon felt moist, sloshing around as he attempted to move. "Ah… Guren, is this what it's come to?" The voice he heard he knew all too well. It's venomously sweet melody was like nails down a chalkboard to him. "You couldn't even manage to protect Shinya, the weakest Hiragi. He's lying in that hospital bed, so vulnerable to attackers, so..." she paused for a moment for effect. "Fragile."

A grunt escaped his nostrils as he forced himself onto his feet. He drew his weapon, aiming it in the direction of her smudged figure. "This ends now Mahiru!" He charged blindly, rampaging like a bull. All he could see was red. Rage coursed through his blood, boiling it to the point where his veins showed through the surface of his skin. He thrusted the sword straight through her middle with such force he could hear her spine crack. Instead of hearing a scream of pain, a gasp brought his eyes into focus. His weapon was through the stomach of his beloved Shinya. Guren withdrew it from him in a panic; both falling to their knees. "Shinya… please… stay with me now!" He shouted as the other began to convulse on the ground, gasping for air.

"Ga…Gur-n," he choked out, lifting a hand up to stop the dark haired male from attempting to save a dead man. Salty tears flowed down the colonial's cheeks as his best friend held his hand and smiled one last time. With all too much clarity he whispered, "Thank you."

Guren shot up faster than a bullet leaving a gun when he came to. His face was still damp, sheets crumpled up in the corner of his bed. It had all been a dream, hadn't it? The male stood up, patrolling his quarters. Everything seemed "normal". He needed a shower, badly.

It took him about twenty minutes to finally present himself to the outside world. It was only about ten in the morning, but he normally was an early riser. Shinya would always be late with a cursed piece of toast in his mouth. Thinking about it now though on his walk to his office left a pit in his stomach. Those days were in the past now. The present called a different matter to attention. Yuichiro was imprisoned. Now, it was time to figure out why.

 _The world always feels cold around me._

Shinya was curled up in a ball, asleep until mid afternoon. It had taken a lot of work to get him settled down. Blue was trained on the window watching newfound flakes cascade from the sky. It was beginning to get cold again. His room had been silent ever since the young archer departed yesterday. A breeze lifted up his gown as he wandered the halls. A soft laugh filled the young male's ears as he pushed the fabric down. "What are you going out of bed Miss Monroe?" A male dressed in full military uniform teased, sauntering over to a distressed Shinya.

Pink dusted across his cheeks given the situation. "Don't you know it's rude to tease a lady Mister Toshiro," he responded with a fake pout.

Toshiro smiled again softly before walking over to pick him up off the ground. "Why aren't you resting? I've been hearing you've been having nightmares."

A moment passed before his muffled response came. "I… was lonely."

Shinya's lips trembled into a gentle frown as his body shivered from the temperature of the hall. "I'll get you a blanket from my room and I'll be back in a few minutes. Then I can stay until I'm called for duty again," he offered beginning to head back to the room.

It had only been ten minutes into their time together until Shinya mentioned his hair was getting long. Toshiro was soon trimming it back to its original glory. "Your hair is very soft," he complemented, letting it flow between his fingers before it fell down on his neck.

"Yoichi put a product in it… it smells like roses," he smiled sitting with his legs intertwining together crisscrossing them.

"Hm… That's the sniper from the Shinoa squad, right?" He speculated finishing his job. "I've heard a bit about them. Lay down now, you're all cleaned up. Your fingernails desperately needed to be trimmed."

He did as he was told before looking up at a pair of mocha brown orbs, much like a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. "Could you keep… um… doing that?" He asked, being less rash for once.

Shinya reached out placing Toshiro's hand back on his head. "As you wish," he chided, beginning to pet the luscious locks.

His eyes closed and his breathing slowed down. "Goodnight Shinya," Toshiro whispered gently.

His voice was in the baritone range, soothing to the ear. The sound is all the other male heard before he finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
